45: Self-Awareness and Boundaries
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This podcast is produced by Sarah Hartley.
Transcript:
We are going to start this episode with a message from the Leaving Well Hotline:
What advice would you have for those of us who are people pleasers who also are making difficult decisions to leave and need to stick to that decision and also have healthy boundaries?
I love these questions so much. They are individually so rich … and together, even more nuanced!
I’ll start by responding to the question around how to make the difficult decision to leave. For me, it has to go beyond simply relying on your gut or intuition. Now, don’t get me wrong - I believe FIRMLY in the power of our intuition, but in order to be as reliable as possible, your intuition must be fueled by boundaries, values: your riverbanks (check out episode 42 if you missed that on the topic of riverbanks). Intuition - without fuel and support - will never be strong enough to trust when making decisions about staying or leaving.
If you have a gut feeling about what you should do, but still feel a bit wobbly about the choice, this is an opportunity to check in with yourself with some questions.
(I also need to insert here, that if you are contractually obligated to finish a certain objective, please be sure to keep that awareness in your decision making process)
I think it’s important to start back at the beginning. What outcomes were you hoping to achieve with this project? What were you brought in to do? Why did you accept the role, project, or position? What did you commit to achieving?
Once you’ve answered some of those questions, then the next step is to ask yourself whether you’ve accomplished those things. Did you have to pivot to other important initiatives and you’ve not been able to complete the initial tasks? Did the project or role lose some of its importance (perhaps funding is dwindling, or the initial folks in leadership are no longer there)? Is the effort complete? Did you accomplish your goals?
Perhaps the question about leaving has arisen because you’ve lost your connection to the work. Another great question I like to ask is whether the project / role needs to be examined, pivoted, or picked up by someone else. If it needs to be picked up by someone else, how can you make the most of this current time to leave bread crumbs, if you will, about the work that has been accomplished and what remains to be done, for whomever comes behind you?
In some cases, your decision to leave may be the natural end of the project or role. Perhaps if you take leave from the role, it will cease to exist. In those scenarios, it adds an extra challenging layer of complexity because you will likely have feelings that you’re abandoning post, or that you’re quitting before it’s time.
There is also the reality that decisions about leaving often become very much about the Stayers - the people you’d be leaving behind. Whether this is a community currently being served by your responsibility to the role, or colleagues that you’ve worked alongside during the project, all sorts of feelings can come up in this arena. It’s one thing to say goodbye to a project or a role, but to also wear in the emotional case of having to also say goodbye to humans makes it exponentially difficult.
It can also be incredibly challenging to navigate the leaving of a project or role when your decision impacts other people who are working in a cohort or committee. I encourage you - if this applies to your situation - to have as transparent of conversations as you can with your fellow humans. Share with them what you’re most proud of during your time of working together. Tell them what you will remember the most about your relationship with them. Ask them what they may need from you, before you go.
Making a decision to leave can be extremely exhausting, so I also want to encourage you to be mindful of your surroundings and current circumstances. Here is a list of energy takers and energy givers from The Brain Health Doctor (seen on IG):
ENERGY TAKERS
Focusing on the past
Inconsistent sleep
Mess and clutter in your physical environment
Social media distraction / over use
Dehydration
Screen time
Negativity
Junk food
The news
Alcohol / Sugar / insert whatever else your body doesn’t thrive from consuming
ENERGY GIVERS
Music
Nature
Resting
Sunlight
Hydration
Meditation
Movement
Decluttering
Sleep
Whole Foods
For the part of the question about how to stick to the decision and hold the boundaries, I recommend identifying some visuals and metaphors, and create ways to weave in your decision into everyday conversation.
I use riverbanks as a metaphor for boundaries and values. From your answers to the previous questions, what visual picture matches the awareness you may be having about this decision that needs to be made?
What phrases, words, or statements can you pull out of your answers to the previous questions, that you can then use to communicate your decision to your colleagues or to the community?
I’ll give you an example.
Earlier this year, I decided to end a contractual relationship with a nonprofit. When I asked myself some of those questions from earlier in the episode, I realized that my work was really complete. I had a few specific outcomes to achieve, and I had achieved them all. The work itself wasn’t finished, but it never will be (and this is especially true in the nonprofit sector and in social impact companies). There was also a change of leadership at the organization, and it was no longer a value fit for my contribution.
So, I began to weave in comments like: “Well, since the initial desired outcome was to <fill in the blank>, and this team achieved that last quarter, I can feel so proud to have been a contributor to the work, alongside you all.” or “Can you even believe that two years ago, all of these deliverables were just a bunch of scribbles on a white board? This team has accomplished so much.” or “It’s important that my contribution to the sector continue to be fueled by innovative and courageous decision-making, and I no longer feel aligned enough with recent leadership decisions.”
Going back to your intuition and it needing to be supported by your values, it’s the same situation inside the culture of an organization. In Dare to Lead, the example is given of a courageous culture being one that connects its values to specific behaviors so people know what is expected, encouraged, and rewarded within their team and organizations. In addition to setting clear expectations, the process gives organizations shared language and a well-defined culture. It helps us determine cultural fit during hiring, and offers us very straightforward standards of behavior when there are non-performance-related issues.
This concept of courageous culture can also be something that you replicate for yourself, individually. When you operationalize your values, and let them inform your gut, it will drive productive decision making. When your values aren’t clear, you’ll find yourself straying from your boundaries, letting the water seep over the river banks … and you risk making bad decisions or in some cases, impulsive choices or let the decision drag out too long.
Recently I watched the documentary Watch the Other Shore about Diana Nyad. I also watched the movie Nyad with Annette Bening and Jodie Foster. Diana had some incredible and powerful statements that fueled her own accomplishments, and literally kept her alive.
Diana is quoted as saying: “Whatever your Other Shore is, whatever you must do, whatever inspires you, you will find a way to get there.” Diana Nyad
When I watched the documentary and movie, something struck me about Diana’s dedication to not only being well informed about the conditions and the environment, but also in bringing along a team that held the same awareness, as well as even more expertise. She built a team and brought people together who could help her navigate the jellyfish, the wind, the current, the lunar cycle, and the sharks.
The conditions and environment are always changing, and will be different for every nonprofit but the mission and outcome are the same across the sector. Whatever you must do, you will find a way to get there. Diana needed support, and so do all of us.
If you are struggling with a decision, I encourage you to listen to season one of the podcast where I interview individuals who made decisions to leave. Pull in the people who you trust to help you check in with your values, so that you can connect with your gut for those decisions.
If you are an organizational leader and need the support of a learning cohort, where you can join together with other nonprofit leaders, send me an email at Naomi@8thandHome.com - I’m putting together a cohort / community and would love to share more details with you.
I’m going to leave you with some reflection prompts. As I share each one, hit pause on this episode playback and give yourself the gift of some time to think about the answers. Come back to this episode a second time and journal if that’s more your style.
Who are you outside of your career?
What transitions have you made in the past?
How can you end things well?
How can you begin things well?
What do you know about what brings you joy?
What feels unavailable to you?
What would happen if you ask?
Where do you most need decision confidence?
What choices come with the most ease?
Where do you tend to shirk or abandon your leadership?
What are you letting get in your way?
What old ways of thinking about transition are you holding on to?
Where do you hold power or choice in how you navigate transition?
Thanks for listening, my friend!
