The dialogue when I tell someone that we are moving goes sometimes like this ::
Them : You’re moving? But I thought you guys were here for like, a l-o-n-g time?
Me : We have been here for a long time. Three years!
Them : But, you’re like the most settled person I know in Delhi. You can’t leave yet … what about [insert the things I’ve been involved with since moving to Delhi]?
Me : Well, those things existed before I got here, and they sure will continue after I leave! The couple of things that I created myself or with others will either find new owners or will change a bit with someone else taking over.
Them : But I thought you were here at least until your biggest little graduated from high school? He’s staying here for Senior Year right?
Me : No, he’s going with us.
Them : That’s so hard. I can’t imagine doing that. Are you really ready to go? I think you’ll get bored. It’s just so … normal there. No culture, no vibrancy. Just normal!!
I’m struggling a bit with the fact that I am allowing myself to feel judged during these conversations.
I’m going to be honest in this post and admit to you that I find myself either feeling :
1. Guilty. Guilty, because to those that feel stuck here in Delhi, Singapore is like winning a lottery ticket.
2. Defensive. Defensive as I explain to people that the Husb will still be working the majority of the time here in Delhi, while the kids and I relocate. I don’t owe the details of our situation to anyone, yet I find myself instantly wanting to go on the defensive.
3. Angry. I get pretty angry when I feel like I am being judged because we are “already leaving” — as if I owed it to someone or anyone to stay a set period of time. No one scoffs at the embassy folks who are leaving at the end of their 2 year post. No one pshaws at the hospitality folks who have finished their 3 year contract and knew they were leaving in May.
4. Confronted. I am allowing myself to feel like a traitor when approached with comments like “but you didn’t finish x, y, z” — as if I am abandoning ship before the time is right.
5. Inadequate. As if I am not strong enough to eek out another year or two in Delhi.
My catch phrase that I’m beginning to get tired of hearing myself say is “No one is giving me any gold stars for staying in Delhi!”
(I’m sure I’ll have more to say on the subject, but for now will leave this post as is … raw and written on the spot)